Lost and Confused: Part 1

No words can explain the happiness I'm feeling now!

Okay it isn't anything big. Not a first kiss or first boyfriend, but I swear this is a better feeling than any of that! Why? The guy that used to hate me for so long finally considered me as a friend.

Told you it wasn't anything big.

To others it may seem like a very crazy thing to be extremely happy about, but to me I feel as though we both finally moved on, even though we were never together in the first place. I admit I really like Oshitari; a few months ago, I couldn't do anything but try to attract his attention. I like intelligent guys, and not only is Oshitari smart, he is also quite popular as he is Hyotei's tennis tensai. I got really annoying, I guess, because when I finally had the courage to confess my feelings he just looked at me really coldly and said…

"I don't care, ."

"Oshitari-kun, I…"

"Did you know you were really getting annoying by stalking me like that?"

"Stalking? Oshitari-kun I..."

"Just stay away from me."

Really mean, huh?

My heart broke in two at that moment and I just ran away and cried. The next day, the news of my confession went all around the school. I just kept running away and crying, until I overheard Oshitari talking to Shishido-San about me.

" confessed to you?"

"Yeah, I rejected her and now she keeps crying."

"The way you rejected her was pretty mean."

"You can't deny she's annoying and I hate girls who cry."

I still cried after that, but I decided I wouldn't change myself for him and from that day I started ignoring him like how he was ignoring me. But that was five months ago. Recently I had to do a science assignment together with Oshitari and he talked to me like a normal person. I was very happy. Today, when I saw him in the corridor with Mukahi, he actually greeted me. I know it is a very silly thing to be happy about, but I am only fourteen, and I don't know whether my feelings towards Oshitari were love or not. All I can say is that I don't want to lose him as a friend.

I'm too scared to move forward… in case I fall behind.

Lost and confused,

**********

paused as her mouse hovered over the 'publish' button.

It's not something I should publish onto my blog; I have to get over him anyway, he'll just keep haunting me…

Hesitantly, she clicked the small red box with the white X on the top right hand corner of her computer screen and let out a soft sigh.

"Thoughts like these are better kept to myself. It's so stupid anyway," murmured as she got off her chair, switched off the computer and flicked off the light.

**********

"Ohayou! Eh… -chan, daijoubu ka?"

"Ohayou, Jirou-kun," replied wearily as she saw Jirou bounce towards her one Friday morning, while she rubbed her eyes and let out a huge yawn.

"Tsk… You should sleep earlier -chan," said Sukayo Yukari, squeezing her way through the mass of Hyoutei students standing outside the school gates and walking towards them.

Yukari was 's closest and nicest friend. She was there when was teased for liking Oshitari. She was there when needed someone to talk to. She was there when needed advice. However, this time couldn't go to Yukari. Besides being 's best friend, Yukari was also the only girl Oshitari talked to about his life.

remembered clearly what she saw last week as though it was engraved into her brain.

Yukari and him.

Together.

**********

"Alright, but is going to be there?"

"Do you want her to come?"

"What do you think?" Oshitari chuckled lightly, swinging his tennis bag over his shoulder.

"She's really quite a nice girl, Oshitari, besides I don't think she likes you anymore."

"Whatever, let's just get a drink so I can go home, I need to take shower."

"Yeah you stink!" Yukari said, rolling her eyes as she slapped Oshitari lightly on the arm.

**********

Yukari didn't know had to stay back to help Hiromura-sensei clean up the science laboratory room. She didn't know had seen everything.

But Yukari and Oshitari make a great couple. I'm sure he will treat her well!

"…and seeing -chan yawn is making me–" Jirou unsuccessfully tried to suppress a large yawn, turning his eyes teary and poofy, "Yawn."

"You're making us all tired Akutagawa-senpai," said a kind voice from behind them. A brown haired, blue-capped boy and his tall grey-haired doubles partner stood behind , Yukari and Jirou; their tennis bags sitting comfortably on their backs.

"Ohayou -senpai, Yukari-senpai," the grey-haired boy said, bowing slightly so his cross-shaped pendant around his neck swayed from side to side.

"Ohayou Ootori-kun."

"Ne, Yukari-senpai, you going to watch our match tomorrow?"

"Yeah most likely – who are we playing against?" asked Yukari light-heartedly, opening her folder and peering at her timetable.

"Seigaku."

"Sou ka…" replied Yukari absent-mindedly, tracing a line on her timetable with her finger, "Dammit! I have Math first…"

"Yukari-chan! Are you even listening?!" demanded Jirou angrily, stomping his foot impatiently on the hard concrete outside the school gates.

"Yes I am! Argh… I think I left my Math book–"

"With me, Sukayo."

's ears prickled up as she heard the voice from behind them, her face suddenly feeling hot as her heartbeat quickened.

"Oshitari!"

"Doomo Oshitari-kun," Yukari said, looking relieved as she ran towards him and retrieved her book.

"Yuushi, what were you doing with Yukari-chan's boo-" Jirou started to say, his eyelids slowly closing, but quickly stopped as Shishido's foot came stamping down on his own.

"Itai! Nani?!"

Yukari started to laugh as she watched Jirou jump up and down, yelling at Shishido, whose eyes were flashing dangerously. "It was nothing," she explained through her giggles. "I think Oshitari just put my book in his bag by mistake, isn't that right, ? ?"

"Anou…" Ootori interrupted politely, glancing at , "Sumimasen -senpai, but what exactly are you doing?"

As if on cue, everybody turned around and glanced at , who was sitting cross-legged on the concrete; a book in her lap, and a huge text book lying on the footpath in front of her.

"Hmmm…? Oh, I'm just checking if I did my science homework correctly," she said cheerfully, holding up her book so everybody could see.

"-chan," Yukari said, her eyes narrowing in displeasure, "You should get some sleep and not stress too much! Oshitari is doing the science assignment with you, for goodness' sake! He tops the grade every year!"

"That's true," Shishido commented, nodding, "You should get some rest, . You look really tired."

was just about to open her mouth to argue when a sudden rush of students poured through the iron school gates and a loud ring that rattled her eardrums told her it was time for class. Carefully putting her books back in her bag, she picked herself up and brushed the dirt off her skirt. As she turned around and headed towards her science class, she noticed Oshitari leaning against the gate, obviously waiting for her.

"We have science together first," Oshitari said as approached him, before turning around and heading towards the sciences block.

"Oh yeah," said awkwardly, feeling her cheeks heat up as she stared at the ground.

None of them said anything as they reached their classroom and lined up quietly outside the door, waiting for Hiromura-sensei to arrive. There was a soft murmur amongst the students, whispering away excitedly about the tennis match on Saturday.

"," Oshitari said suddenly, breaking the awkward silence between them, "Are you going to come to the match tomorrow?"

"Well I –"

"You shouldn't go, you know," Oshitari continued, not giving a chance to answer. "Look at yourself in the mirror."

**********

Saturday was a very fine day. The sun was smiling happily through the mass of fluffy white clouds, and the sky was a soothing forget-me-not blue. Nearly everything and everyone seemed to be more in a peaceful and calm mood. Everyone but , that is.

"Matte! Chotto Matte!" yelled loudly, waving her arm at the bus that was serenely driving down the road, traveling further and further away from her. Throwing herself onto the silver seats under the bus shelter, she cursed angrily under her breath.

Damn! First I woke up late, now I missed the bus!

Furiously brushing her honey-brown bangs away from her dark eyes, got up and started to jog towards the tennis courts where Seigaku and Hyotei were holding their tennis matches.

"Maybe if I run I would be able to make it in time for the singles, even if it means missing that stupid Oshitari's match," muttered under her breath as she broke into a fast sprint.

Friday definitely was not one of 's better days. After Oshitari's comment, spent the rest of the day pondering whether she should go to the match or not. It wasn't until the early hours of the morning after she had finished and double-checked all her homework did she make up her mind.

There's still Jirou-kun, Ootori-kun and Shishido-kun that need my support, and who cares about Oshitari anyway, he has Yukari… and he only needs her.

With that thought on her mind she had slowly drifted off to sleep. However, after opening her eyes and glancing at her clock a few hours later, panic and frustration swept all over her.

Crap! I'm already half an hour late!

Hastily changing into her school uniform and with a quick brush of her hair, she bolted out the door, her bag swinging over her shoulder.

**********

There it is!

panted heavily as she saw a large sign reading "Tokyo Prefecture Tennis Gardens" coming to her view. She could hear the sounds of tennis balls bouncing in the distance, and the muffled cheers of fans and club members.

"Maybe I made it time!" thought as she dashed towards the big metal gates, not looking where she was running until someone collided with her, knocking her off her feet.

"Itai!"

"Daijoubu desu ka?"

Opening her eyes and rubbing her arm, saw a boy with light brown hair offering his hand to help her up. Behind him stood another boy with glasses and a stern face that was quite expressionless, although his hand was across his chest, clutching his shoulder.

"I'm… I'm alright." a shaken said, as she let the boy help her up, "Anou… I came to watch Hyoutei's match against Seigaku but I don't know where the courts –"

"The match has already finished," the boy replied, a gentle smile forming on his lips, "You're from Hyoutei, am I right?"

"Y-Yeah," said, bowing slightly, "Hajimemashite, desu!"

"Nice to meet you, ," the boy said, a smile still plastered on his face, "Third Year student from Seishun Gakuen, Fuji Syuusuke"

"Fuji Syuusuke?!" exclaimed, her eyes widening in surprise, "Anou…"

Fuji noticed 's eyes glance over to Tezuka; eyes that shone with a slight curiosity.

"That's our buchou, Tezuka Kunimitsu."

"Oh. So what was the outcome of the match Fuji-san?"

A small, mysterious smile crept over Fuji's face.

"Seigaku's victory."

"Oh." said, a small frown forming on her face, "Well… I better go see how the team is doing, Jaa Fuji-san, Tezuka-san!"

"Jaa ." Fuji said, as he watched her hurry away through the gates, "What do you think Tezuka?"

"Let's go," Tezuka grunted firmly, walking away from the gates with Fuji trailing behind him.

**********

"Ahhh… I should've known that everyone would go home after Hyoutei's defeat…" sighed, as she sat down on the base of a large oak tree, leaning against its trunk.

After running into random courts and asking random people, finally realized that Hyoutei's members must have gone home after their defeated match, leaving her to ask Yukari for the outcome of each match again.

"I'm so sleepy…" thought, as she closed her eyes and rested her head on trunk of the tree, the gentle breeze blowing softly against her face.

I don't regret anything I have said or done,
Because I meant every part of it.

"You shouldn't have come today."

"Hmm…?" mumbled sleepily, as she opened her eyes slowly and saw a shadowy figure leaning over her.

"Oshitari!"

"."

His regular jacket swung over his shoulder and drops of perspiration covering his face, Oshitari smirked and sat down next to . His head rested softly against the hard bark of the giant oak tree.

suddenly felt her whole body seize up, her heart was beating so loud she was sure that she could hear the ‘ba-bumping' from inside her chest. She shot Oshitari a quick glance, and then felt heat creep up to her cheeks as she saw his navy fringe covering one of the lenses of his glasses.

"How… was the… match?" asked hesitantly, bringing her knees to her chest, letting her foot make a long uneven line in the dirt.

"We lost."

"Oh."

"," Oshitari said suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. "How many hours of sleep have you been getting?"

looked up at Oshitari, startled by the unexpected question. She noticed he was not looking directly at her; his glasses seemed to be clouded by his thoughts.

"Well… I guess around five hours a day?" replied, smiling feebly as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Why are you sleeping so little?" Oshitari demanded, looking at a trembling as he watched her foot draw circles in the dirt. Even through his usually calm and cool Kansai accent, could hear his concern. "I see you at school, you are barely able to concentrate, yet you push yourself to try harder and harder. You will easily fall sick by doing that!"

Silence.

"I'm not sporty. I don't need to be fit. I can only stand out with my academic abilities, even if they come second to you. If that is taken away from me, I have nothing. Nothing left."

Oshitari was silent for a few moments before opening his mouth to speak.

"Five months ago, Minwako from our grade came up to me and confessed her undying love or something while Mukahi and I were playing a practice doubles match." He continued, sighing, "Then you came and did a similar thing… I admit I was annoyed. Mukahi also happened to be there to overhear us, and mind you, he never let me live it down."

remained silent.

So she was wrong, Oshitari never said anything about her confession. She supposed Mukahi had something to do with it.

"You don't need to apologise or anything," replied light-heartedly, as she forced a smile on her face, "Yukari-chan is like my sister, so treat her right or…" paused before glowering, "You'll regret it."

A laugh reached 's ears as those words left her lips.

"Gomen, ," said Oshitari, pushing up his glasses and folding his arms, "I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because," Oshitari interrupted in a serious tone, "I don't like girls who are too clingy; I have so many fan girls to do that."

had a blank look across her face as she tried to comprehend the words Oshitari just said to her.

So Yukari and Oshitari weren't together?

"…" Oshitari said slowly, picking up a stick as he started writing in the dirt, "Has there ever been any regrets in your life?"

Silence came again when had told Oshitari her answer. Both seemed lost in their own thoughts as they let the gentle wind blow through their hair. Occasionally, a couple of strands from their heads would intertwine with one another.

**********

The park was empty when finally left. The setting sun painted reds, yellows, and pinks into the twilight sky and it illuminated the words written by Oshitari on the soil next to the large oak tree.

I want to be the locket around your neck
Choking you when I hate you
But close to you when I need you.

**********

walked home with the sunset illuminating her retreating back, as she gazed up at the pinkish clouds that floated overhead. She let one hand softly touch the tiny silver heart-shaped locket that hung just above her chest and a small mysterious smile formed across her lips.

"I don't have any regrets because I meant every word I said," she had told him.

##########

August 4, 2006
Written by: Tazii
Edited by: linchpin