As I tried to struggle to go finish writing my projects and to go over my textbooks to prepare myself for my final exams, I was also doing my best to keep up with the updates about the situation in Maguindanao. In cases like these, I wondered, will my fellow Filipinos back home will remain glued to their seats watching the recent episode of their favorite reality shows, or will they stand up and face the reality that is nowhere far from their front doorsteps? Will they shed tears from the sadness brought by the soaps, or will they feel indignation about the tragedy that has once again brought the Philippines to the world’s attention?

When I took an introductory class in Politics back in 2004, it has always been a puzzle for me why a handful of the Filipino people I know hate politics. I cannot say that political systems were made to be perfect, but I believe that they are doable. However, as my eyes become open to the political and economic struggle and violence that people face back home, I started to question this belief. Perhaps the political frameworks that people have established were doable, true, but maybe I should question the motives of the people within the system.

As a Filipino who is far away from home, I can only feel frustration. I can only spread the news about this unbelievable, violent scenario that has struck us. But when did the Filipinos never had to face difficult situations anyway? The recent typhoon just killed hundreds of people and took hundreds of thousands worth of properties. The political climate is just as murky and dirty as your local perya. The poor get poorer, and the rich are becoming richer and filthier. And the middle class? Well, majority of them (like my family) leave the country in the hopes of saving themselves, because no one could extend help and save them anyway.

I have heard and read that the Filipinos know how to smile despite of all the grief that he has to face every single day. But for me, doing that means we passively accept that this is our destiny and we cannot do anything about it. That, I think, is preposterous. I believe that Pinoys don’t have to smile all the time and dismiss things. The untimely demise of innocent people is something that we shouldn’t be smiling about. We ought to do something. If we could mobilize ourselves in support of a mere boxer, I am pretty sure that we also have the ability to save our faces and lives in the hands of people who have a lot of power in their hands and who will never stop to fulfill their desire to get more of what they shouldn’t really have. Some people might dismiss this thought as something radical, but wouldn’t be standing up to an issue to have your voice heard better than just sitting there and do nothing at all? I have my extended family and friends back from the Philippines, and despite that I am now living a relatively good life, I still worry for their safety. Violence, greed and ulterior motives surround the people in the government, and I would not accept that there is a possibility that innocent lives will get hurt in the process.

One thing that I have learned in university is that history is made in order for us to learn from our ancestors’ past mistakes. However, with the presence of political violence in the Philippines, I do not think this is not the case. A friend of mine has mentioned that the Filipino people do not pay respect to their history. I certainly agree. We let an ex-convict run for a position, we allow a filthy-mouthed senator run for the second highest position in the country, we let a supposedly ‘the best candidate out there’ run as president despite of his inability to stop a bloody incident in his family’s very own property and an ultimate example of the immortality of political dynasties. We have a long series of narrative that should have shaped us as a nation; that should have helped us strengthen our sense of being Filipino and our will to protect ourselves and our country. Yet, this nonsense is gone unnoticed. Or perhaps we just assume that we are incapable to do such things. We purposely play deaf, blind, and crippled to the sad and disturbing things that are happening in front of us.

The Philippines’ National Hero, Dr. Jose Protacio Rizal, has said that ‘There are no tyrants where there are no slaves.’ The Filipinos should have been long freed from the chains of poverty and from the hands of colonialism. For some reason we still come back to where we came from. If this continues, perhaps, it would be best to conclude that our nation is dead. Not even a set of seven world titles in boxing could resurrect the country or the lives of the people who were caught in the dirty web of games of people who only care for what they could gain.

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Originally published at Philippine Times Winnipeg, December 2009

But this article is not really about promenades, or one’s first kiss or first love. Recently some of my friends back from the Philippines were in uproar about the issue of Charter Change. I can still remember how “Cha-Cha” was an issue I think during Ramos’ term -– I was about to enter high school that time. Who would have thought that a decade after, some people will revive Cha-cha’s beat and invite everyone to dance with them?

Sadly I think the steps are out of fashion. People in the government should try something new. Something better. Something that will not make them –- and us -– look stupid.

I believe that the Philippines deserves a lot better than the traditional politicians that are currently enjoying their seats in their offices. Whether the Filipino people put them there, or these trapos put themselves there, I have no idea. The Filipinos can complain all they want, too. One could propose to start the change within ourselves, or try to re-do the system altogether. But at the end of the day, if it’s only a small group of people who will mobilize themselves; if it’s a huge number of people who are in public office and are having a grand time corrupting the system; if there’s a considerable number of people who will not even try to understand what this whole “dance craze” is all about and how it will affect the people and the country, then pardon this pun but ako mismo ang magsasabi, nothing good’s going to materialize, and the country will end up in shambles (if it isn’t already).

I try to avoid talking about politics. I guess it is one area that makes me feel frustrated because I can totally see the problem, but for some reason the solutions are hard to find, or even harder to implement. But I cannot stand the idea that my Inang Bayan is being abused by its citizens. I can spend an entire day pointing out what is wrong and suggest what needs to be done, but I will spare everyone that agony. Nevertheless, this is not the time to worry about other people’s sexual preferences and hold a Senate hearing about it. This is the time that we should again feel concern toward the Philippines. I know a lot of people stopped caring because they deemed their efforts to be futile, due to a number of factors. I know a lot of people think that another (EDSA) revolution will not work. I know a lot of people don’t even know what is going on, and I know a lot of people will only care now and will stop doing so if they get immediate rewards for their actions. Some want to do something but they cannot even do it. It is a sad reality that we have here, and I know, because I used to not care for years.

I know that there is nothing much for me to do, but here I am typing this away. I am sick of people in authority playing games, making fool of the Filipino people. I am tired of having my kababayan react strongly when foreigners point out what is wrong with us and our country, and yet we just let it pass when fellow Filipinos are the ones trying to show us what the country’s ailments are. We are not high schoolers anymore, and we cannot always “believe in magic.” One thing is for sure though, and I have said this before to friends: “Kapag pinasayaw ka ng Cha-cha, dapat ang sabihin mo, ‘I’ll never gonna dance again.’” Dance to the right beat folks, and make sure you’re doing the right steps.

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Originally published at Tinig, under the column, Ibayo.

Friends, particularly my peers back in University, all said, “Mabuti ka pa, tapos ka na” (That’s good, you’re done already). Getting this remark is not surprising — we are mostly of the same age, but since they moved to Canada later than I did, I attended school relatively earlier than them. This statement, however, is most of the time accompanied by the sound of disappointment. The reason is unspoken, but I believe that most people my age who just arrived here in Canada would agree that the disappointment roots from this: if we did not leave the country, we could have finished our degree earlier, and we would have been working now.

I will not deny that I used to think that it is unfortunate for me that I graduated a bit late than my high school friends and college block mates. I remember that in 2007, most of my friends marched down to get their diplomas while, I, on the other hand, had to endure another more year to finish school. Nonetheless, that did not keep me from being disappointed throughout my university life. Getting in to University of Manitoba means I have a whole new opportunity ahead of me, and being granted that chance to pursue something that will change my life completely is something that I should be grateful for. As I went along and completed my degree requirements, I met people, gained new experiences and discovered new things. I learned that time is of an important essence in my life, and while, at first glance, it looked like I just wasted my time completing courses in the University of the Philippines, I really did not waste any time. True, I did not manage to use the credits I earned to get in to University of Manitoba, however, I acquired knowledge from the subjects and courses I took, and that alone makes the time I spent in U.P. Diliman extremely worthwhile. There is no sense for me to think that I was left behind because despite of the idea that we are all batch mates, we all have to pursue different goals in life, and the only person that could determine when we will achieve those goals is no other than ourselves.

Getting an undergraduate degree has made me a lot smarter and more appreciative of the things around me. True, one of the reasons why I got a degree is because I wanted a better, stable life in the near future by having a good job, but there is something more with that. One of the most important things I have learned in my quest to get the diploma is that I have placed more value on learning, knowledge, and education itself, far more than I used to. I was brought up by my parents with the belief that education is something that no one can take away from me – and it took me long years in school to discover that they are indeed correct. Regardless of the seemingly troublesome and almost never-ending school requirements, in the end, what I have learned in each class is something that people cannot rip away from me. The lectures, the encounters, the workload; no matter how difficult or seemingly trivial they are, they have slowly became a part of who I am. Education has greatly influenced how I see the world through my eyes, how I act, and how I perform my work and my activities. Try to take the things that I have learned away from me (and from anyone else) and I cease to exist. That for sure, meant that I have obtained something important – something that of great value, and I am blessed to learned of its worth.

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 22, Number 14.

Sa mga buwang nagdaan habang naghihintay ako ng sulat bilang kasagutan, wala namang bumagabag sa akin. Kasi ang layunin ko ay para mabawasan na ang dapat kong gawin. Nakatuon lang ang pansin ko sa ideya na may mga importante akong bagay na dapat tapusin bago man lang ako matapos ng pag-aaral ko, at isa na dito ay ang maisaayos ko ang aking status. Malaking bahagi na rin ng pagpapasya ko na kumuha na ng citizenship examination ang mga long-term goals ko – kung mag-aaral ba ako sa ibang probinsya o ibang bansa, o kung balak ko bang maglakbay sa ibang lugar.

Pero nang naramdaman ko na ang nalalapit na oras ng panunumpa, bumalik na naman ang pagdududa ko sa aking sarili. Totoo nga at hindi ako nagdalawang-isip habang in-process ang pagiging citizen ko, subalit inabot din ako halos ng isang taon kakaisip kung tama nga ba ang gagawin ko, at ano ang mga bagay na nakalaan at kaakibat ng desisyon kong ito. Umabot din sa puntong naisip kong parang kay dali yatang maging mamamayan ng Canada dahil madali lang ang pagsusulit. Inisip ko kung ano nga ba ang dahilan ng pagiging isang legal na mamamayan ng isang bansa; ano ang mangyayari kung magiging Canadian na ako, at ano naman ang mangyayari sa pagiging Filipino ko.

Noong nakuha ko na ang resulta mga dalawa o tatlong linggo bago ako manumpa, alam kong wala nang atrasan ito. Tutal, ginusto ko naman ito. Subalit sa kabila noon, nakaramdam ako ng inis sa sarili ko. Parang nakagawa ako ng krimen sa sarili kong bansa. Pakiramdam ko, naging traydor ako sapagkat mas iniisip ko pa ang sarili kong kapakanan kaysa sa kapakanan ng bansang iniwan ko. Parang hindi rin ako naiiba sa mga taong paglapag na paglapag pa lamang ng kanilang mga paa sa ibang bansa ay kinalimutan na ang kanilang pinagmulan at pilit ang pagsasalita ng Ingles kahit naman marunong sila mag-Tagalog.

Matapos kong manumpa, naalala kong may naisulat ako tungkol sa plano kong pagpasa ng application mga isa o dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan. Binalikan ko ang aking talaarawan at nainis ako sa sarili ko sapagkat nakalimutan ko ang tanging dahilan kung bakit ako nagpasyang ipagpatuloy ang aking plano: “Kahit saang sulok pa ako ng mundo dalhin, kahit anong wika at tradisyon pa ang matutunan ko, hindi pa rin maaalis sa akin ang kinalakihan ko. I still respect my country today they way I respected it before.”

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 22, Number 8.

About what?

About what I think right now. About what I feel right now.

Unfortunately, I feel that I am lacking things. Something is wrong.

In case you do not know yet, I stopped combining words together since God knows when. There was a time when I lost everything that I have, even my love for words. My commitment to write things just disappeared. Poof. Like smoke. But despite of my deep relationship with narratives, I did not even attempt to revive my habit. I just let this whole literary shebang die. And so I stopped writing.

And then there you were.

Your presence, which I have not paid attention to for the past years, suddenly disrupted my supposedly quiet and solitary life. Just when I thought that I could live without words, without writing, you, without your knowledge, rekindled a fire that I have long extinguished; a feeling that I tried to avoid, and a commitment that I have refused to involve myself into.

I think this is a joke. I think this is another phase when there are butterflies in my stomach, when the smiles have deeper meaning, when my movements are different. This is the phase when I am going to look at you differently. This is the phase when I will decide whether I should continue this or not. Believe it or not, this is also the time when I resume using words to express how I feel. Yes, about how I feel about things, about myself, about you.

But why do I have the feeling that the words will slip out again? I am afraid that all these things will disappear, and what pains me the most is that I am losing grip of things sooner than I expected. I am losing hope, I am losing optimism, I am losing my words, I am losing you.

I could say, “Is it okay if you’ll spend a little bit more time here?” You probably won’t suspect things and might say, “Sure, why not?” But will you really stay? Will you still allow me to walk beside you? Will you actually understand what I am saying, right now, at this very moment?

Again, I look at my empty sheet of paper. You brought my words back only to take them away from me again.

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 21, Number 24.