Friends, particularly my peers back in University, all said, “Mabuti ka pa, tapos ka na” (That’s good, you’re done already). Getting this remark is not surprising — we are mostly of the same age, but since they moved to Canada later than I did, I attended school relatively earlier than them. This statement, however, is most of the time accompanied by the sound of disappointment. The reason is unspoken, but I believe that most people my age who just arrived here in Canada would agree that the disappointment roots from this: if we did not leave the country, we could have finished our degree earlier, and we would have been working now.

I will not deny that I used to think that it is unfortunate for me that I graduated a bit late than my high school friends and college block mates. I remember that in 2007, most of my friends marched down to get their diplomas while, I, on the other hand, had to endure another more year to finish school. Nonetheless, that did not keep me from being disappointed throughout my university life. Getting in to University of Manitoba means I have a whole new opportunity ahead of me, and being granted that chance to pursue something that will change my life completely is something that I should be grateful for. As I went along and completed my degree requirements, I met people, gained new experiences and discovered new things. I learned that time is of an important essence in my life, and while, at first glance, it looked like I just wasted my time completing courses in the University of the Philippines, I really did not waste any time. True, I did not manage to use the credits I earned to get in to University of Manitoba, however, I acquired knowledge from the subjects and courses I took, and that alone makes the time I spent in U.P. Diliman extremely worthwhile. There is no sense for me to think that I was left behind because despite of the idea that we are all batch mates, we all have to pursue different goals in life, and the only person that could determine when we will achieve those goals is no other than ourselves.

Getting an undergraduate degree has made me a lot smarter and more appreciative of the things around me. True, one of the reasons why I got a degree is because I wanted a better, stable life in the near future by having a good job, but there is something more with that. One of the most important things I have learned in my quest to get the diploma is that I have placed more value on learning, knowledge, and education itself, far more than I used to. I was brought up by my parents with the belief that education is something that no one can take away from me – and it took me long years in school to discover that they are indeed correct. Regardless of the seemingly troublesome and almost never-ending school requirements, in the end, what I have learned in each class is something that people cannot rip away from me. The lectures, the encounters, the workload; no matter how difficult or seemingly trivial they are, they have slowly became a part of who I am. Education has greatly influenced how I see the world through my eyes, how I act, and how I perform my work and my activities. Try to take the things that I have learned away from me (and from anyone else) and I cease to exist. That for sure, meant that I have obtained something important – something that of great value, and I am blessed to learned of its worth.

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 22, Number 14.

Sa mga buwang nagdaan habang naghihintay ako ng sulat bilang kasagutan, wala namang bumagabag sa akin. Kasi ang layunin ko ay para mabawasan na ang dapat kong gawin. Nakatuon lang ang pansin ko sa ideya na may mga importante akong bagay na dapat tapusin bago man lang ako matapos ng pag-aaral ko, at isa na dito ay ang maisaayos ko ang aking status. Malaking bahagi na rin ng pagpapasya ko na kumuha na ng citizenship examination ang mga long-term goals ko – kung mag-aaral ba ako sa ibang probinsya o ibang bansa, o kung balak ko bang maglakbay sa ibang lugar.

Pero nang naramdaman ko na ang nalalapit na oras ng panunumpa, bumalik na naman ang pagdududa ko sa aking sarili. Totoo nga at hindi ako nagdalawang-isip habang in-process ang pagiging citizen ko, subalit inabot din ako halos ng isang taon kakaisip kung tama nga ba ang gagawin ko, at ano ang mga bagay na nakalaan at kaakibat ng desisyon kong ito. Umabot din sa puntong naisip kong parang kay dali yatang maging mamamayan ng Canada dahil madali lang ang pagsusulit. Inisip ko kung ano nga ba ang dahilan ng pagiging isang legal na mamamayan ng isang bansa; ano ang mangyayari kung magiging Canadian na ako, at ano naman ang mangyayari sa pagiging Filipino ko.

Noong nakuha ko na ang resulta mga dalawa o tatlong linggo bago ako manumpa, alam kong wala nang atrasan ito. Tutal, ginusto ko naman ito. Subalit sa kabila noon, nakaramdam ako ng inis sa sarili ko. Parang nakagawa ako ng krimen sa sarili kong bansa. Pakiramdam ko, naging traydor ako sapagkat mas iniisip ko pa ang sarili kong kapakanan kaysa sa kapakanan ng bansang iniwan ko. Parang hindi rin ako naiiba sa mga taong paglapag na paglapag pa lamang ng kanilang mga paa sa ibang bansa ay kinalimutan na ang kanilang pinagmulan at pilit ang pagsasalita ng Ingles kahit naman marunong sila mag-Tagalog.

Matapos kong manumpa, naalala kong may naisulat ako tungkol sa plano kong pagpasa ng application mga isa o dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan. Binalikan ko ang aking talaarawan at nainis ako sa sarili ko sapagkat nakalimutan ko ang tanging dahilan kung bakit ako nagpasyang ipagpatuloy ang aking plano: “Kahit saang sulok pa ako ng mundo dalhin, kahit anong wika at tradisyon pa ang matutunan ko, hindi pa rin maaalis sa akin ang kinalakihan ko. I still respect my country today they way I respected it before.”

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 22, Number 8.

About what?

About what I think right now. About what I feel right now.

Unfortunately, I feel that I am lacking things. Something is wrong.

In case you do not know yet, I stopped combining words together since God knows when. There was a time when I lost everything that I have, even my love for words. My commitment to write things just disappeared. Poof. Like smoke. But despite of my deep relationship with narratives, I did not even attempt to revive my habit. I just let this whole literary shebang die. And so I stopped writing.

And then there you were.

Your presence, which I have not paid attention to for the past years, suddenly disrupted my supposedly quiet and solitary life. Just when I thought that I could live without words, without writing, you, without your knowledge, rekindled a fire that I have long extinguished; a feeling that I tried to avoid, and a commitment that I have refused to involve myself into.

I think this is a joke. I think this is another phase when there are butterflies in my stomach, when the smiles have deeper meaning, when my movements are different. This is the phase when I am going to look at you differently. This is the phase when I will decide whether I should continue this or not. Believe it or not, this is also the time when I resume using words to express how I feel. Yes, about how I feel about things, about myself, about you.

But why do I have the feeling that the words will slip out again? I am afraid that all these things will disappear, and what pains me the most is that I am losing grip of things sooner than I expected. I am losing hope, I am losing optimism, I am losing my words, I am losing you.

I could say, “Is it okay if you’ll spend a little bit more time here?” You probably won’t suspect things and might say, “Sure, why not?” But will you really stay? Will you still allow me to walk beside you? Will you actually understand what I am saying, right now, at this very moment?

Again, I look at my empty sheet of paper. You brought my words back only to take them away from me again.

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Originally published at Filipino Journal, Volume 21, Number 24.